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Fysieke grenzen
ik herinner me dat ik als kind eens gepest werd door twee jongens. Ik was ongeveer 7 jaar en nogal onder de indruk van de brutaliteit van deze jongens. Op een gegeven moment kwam mijn buurjongen en beste vriend om de hoek lopen en hij jaagde die kinderen weg. Ik was verbaasd want met stoeien kon ik mijn vriend altijd prima aan. Als hij sterker was dan die jongens, zou ik dat dan misschien ook kunnen zijn? Het was de eerste keer dat ik me realiseerde dat er mensen zijn die anderen intimideren met bluf en een grote mond. En dat dit het verschil kon maken in een conflict. Ik heb me dit nooit eigen gemaakt maar ik wel onthouden dat ik misschien wel net zo sterk (of slim) ben als iemand die mij intimideerd. Mensen met een grote mond zijn niet altijd sterk, en zeker niet slim. Bovendien heb ik later geleerd dat de bereidheid om voor jezelf te vechten al veel respect afdwingt.
Toen ik 15 was werd ik op straat te grazen genomen, dit keer door twee oudere jongens. Het leverde me een aantal blauwe plekken op en koste me een voortand en laatste restje zelfvertrouwen. Ik kwam er later ahter dat het feit dat ik niet voor mezelf was opgekomen erger was dan de fysieke schade. Ik haatte mezelf hierom. En dus trainde ik me helemaal suf, eerste jiui jitsu en later karate, mixed martial arts en kikcboksen. Ik heb inmiddels flink wat blessures achter de rug maar niets zo schadelijk of vervelend als een hekel hebben aan mezelf. Door middel van bewustwording, via meditatie en therapie, heb ik mezelf hiervoor leren vergeven.
It to me a few more years to find out what was really going on. What I had to learn is to love myself enough so that I would find myself worth fighting for. And I had to find a way to forgive myself for not standing up for myself that one time. It was as though every time I was sparring, or every time someone in any way might be looking for a conflict with me, this voice inside of me whispered: "come on, you need to prove you can stand up for yourself. Fight damned!". At the same time, another part of me (fortunately) wanted to stay civilised. But I can imagine how it works with people that look for fights a lot. They need to prove something to their selves.
If you are afraid of physical confrontations, it is good to know that fighting is a skill you can learn if you are willing to stand up for yourself. Some people project their anger easily and might seem very impressive, but when push comes to shore, a few good skills can take the wind out of their sails. So keep calm (meditation helps) and learn what you need to learn to do some basic self-defense and not just wait like a sitting duck for the first punch. Because that is what bullies are looking for most times, they challenge you first and see if you freeze up, then they attack. They don’t like to attack someone who might hurt them. If you find that you tell yourself you could never do this, or get angry at anyone for that matter, find out where you picked up that you were not allowed to become angry. Your anger is the elemental energy that makes you able to set boundaries and become pro-active. (did you know the word "aggression" comes from "aggredior" which means "going towards something"? Not a bad quality is it? Actually, it is the second habit the famous author Stephen Covey mentions in his "management bible" " the seven habits of highly effective people."
So go on and find you inner motor. A good website that can help you get into physical self-defence is https://howtofightnow.com/
Fysieke grenzen
ik herinner me dat ik als kind eens gepest werd door twee jongens. Ik was ongeveer 7 jaar en nogal onder de indruk van de brutaliteit van deze jongens. Op een gegeven moment kwam mijn buurjongen en beste vriend om de hoek lopen en hij jaagde die kinderen weg. Ik was verbaasd want met stoeien kon ik mijn vriend altijd prima aan. Als hij sterker was dan die jongens, zou ik dat dan misschien ook kunnen zijn? Het was de eerste keer dat ik me realiseerde dat er mensen zijn die anderen intimideren met bluf en een grote mond. En dat dit het verschil kon maken in een conflict. Ik heb me dit nooit eigen gemaakt maar ik wel onthouden dat ik misschien wel net zo sterk (of slim) ben als iemand die mij intimideerd. Mensen met een grote mond zijn niet altijd sterk, en zeker niet slim. Bovendien heb ik later geleerd dat de bereidheid om voor jezelf te vechten al veel respect afdwingt.
Toen ik 15 was werd ik op straat te grazen genomen, dit keer door twee oudere jongens. Het leverde me een aantal blauwe plekken op en koste me een voortand en laatste restje zelfvertrouwen. Ik kwam er later ahter dat het feit dat ik niet voor mezelf was opgekomen erger was dan de fysieke schade. Ik haatte mezelf hierom. En dus trainde ik me helemaal suf, eerste jiui jitsu en later karate, mixed martial arts en kikcboksen. Ik heb inmiddels flink wat blessures achter de rug maar niets zo schadelijk of vervelend als een hekel hebben aan mezelf. Door middel van bewustwording, via meditatie en therapie, heb ik mezelf hiervoor leren vergeven.
It to me a few more years to find out what was really going on. What I had to learn is to love myself enough so that I would find myself worth fighting for. And I had to find a way to forgive myself for not standing up for myself that one time. It was as though every time I was sparring, or every time someone in any way might be looking for a conflict with me, this voice inside of me whispered: "come on, you need to prove you can stand up for yourself. Fight damned!". At the same time, another part of me (fortunately) wanted to stay civilised. But I can imagine how it works with people that look for fights a lot. They need to prove something to their selves.
If you are afraid of physical confrontations, it is good to know that fighting is a skill you can learn if you are willing to stand up for yourself. Some people project their anger easily and might seem very impressive, but when push comes to shore, a few good skills can take the wind out of their sails. So keep calm (meditation helps) and learn what you need to learn to do some basic self-defense and not just wait like a sitting duck for the first punch. Because that is what bullies are looking for most times, they challenge you first and see if you freeze up, then they attack. They don’t like to attack someone who might hurt them. If you find that you tell yourself you could never do this, or get angry at anyone for that matter, find out where you picked up that you were not allowed to become angry. Your anger is the elemental energy that makes you able to set boundaries and become pro-active. (did you know the word "aggression" comes from "aggredior" which means "going towards something"? Not a bad quality is it? Actually, it is the second habit the famous author Stephen Covey mentions in his "management bible" " the seven habits of highly effective people."
So go on and find you inner motor. A good website that can help you get into physical self-defence is https://howtofightnow.com/
Energetic boundaries
By energetic boundaries I mean boundaries in time and space that are not physical.
1) Setting boundaries on how much time and effort you put in your work. You don't have to safe the world every day. Although you probably see things that others don't and can make a big contribution, in the end the world will keep turning either with or without you. And if not, the world will need you a little while longer. So take care of yourself first and set boundaries to the part of yourself that is pushing you. Find balance in doing and being.
2) Setting boundaries to people that are saying or doing stuff that are hurting you? You don't have to put up with that. If you do, investigate if you can really be 100 % sure that you will die or worse if you set a boundary. You could use the Byron Katie method. (Three questions: 1, Is this true? 2, Can I be absolutely 100 % sure it is true? 3, Does it help me to have this thought? Answering "no" three times means this is an old thought you can discard.) If your rational brain says that is not the case, good chance your limbic brain is programmed to stay nice and quite. You are acting the way you learned to survive as a child. You needed to do this back then and kept doing it because you didn't know any better. But you're grown up know, and you don't need to please your parents anymore to survive.
3) Setting boundaries in what you focus on. You can't do everything at the same time. Being very open and sensitive might mean you get dragged into stuff (and other peoples issues) easily. That is part of your strength, you can really get to the bottom of things. But to balance it out, you need time to reflect. Meditate, take a walk in nature, go to a sauna. As long as your attention can go in and you have space and time for reflection.
Your high sense system is like a very powerful tool that needs maintenance. That starts with attention. When you make time to give it attention, you can see what it needs. What you need. And when your basic needs are met, you can make yourself truly available for others.
By energetic boundaries I mean boundaries in time and space that are not physical.
1) Setting boundaries on how much time and effort you put in your work. You don't have to safe the world every day. Although you probably see things that others don't and can make a big contribution, in the end the world will keep turning either with or without you. And if not, the world will need you a little while longer. So take care of yourself first and set boundaries to the part of yourself that is pushing you. Find balance in doing and being.
2) Setting boundaries to people that are saying or doing stuff that are hurting you? You don't have to put up with that. If you do, investigate if you can really be 100 % sure that you will die or worse if you set a boundary. You could use the Byron Katie method. (Three questions: 1, Is this true? 2, Can I be absolutely 100 % sure it is true? 3, Does it help me to have this thought? Answering "no" three times means this is an old thought you can discard.) If your rational brain says that is not the case, good chance your limbic brain is programmed to stay nice and quite. You are acting the way you learned to survive as a child. You needed to do this back then and kept doing it because you didn't know any better. But you're grown up know, and you don't need to please your parents anymore to survive.
3) Setting boundaries in what you focus on. You can't do everything at the same time. Being very open and sensitive might mean you get dragged into stuff (and other peoples issues) easily. That is part of your strength, you can really get to the bottom of things. But to balance it out, you need time to reflect. Meditate, take a walk in nature, go to a sauna. As long as your attention can go in and you have space and time for reflection.
Your high sense system is like a very powerful tool that needs maintenance. That starts with attention. When you make time to give it attention, you can see what it needs. What you need. And when your basic needs are met, you can make yourself truly available for others.